When Thinking about love most of us hold certain ideas or parameters in our mind that we think it should adhere to. We try and control love. First thing we try to control is time. To almost all, saying “I love you” means committing long term, but what if it didn’t have to be that way? What if society allowed us to say I love you almost immediately.
I don’t mean as you introduce yourself. But we have all been on one of those dates where the connection is strong and instant and you never want the moment/night to end. Is that not love? Think about a society that did not connect love with time or in other words, saying “I love you” didn’t mean any commitment long term.
What if society and social norms changed to allow us to express those feelings as we felt them instead of having to wait weeks, months or years. “I love you” shouldn’t equate to “I commit to you”.
As Someone who has been nomadic and travelled constantly, I have loved for a day and I have loved for years. I understand that I can hand my heart to someone and be in love with them but that I cannot expect their long term commitment. This is hard for some of you to conceive I am sure.
Recently, a visa mishap left me in an unexpected place that I am now going to need to stay and work in. I met someone here that that was leaving in a week to go live in another part of the country. We knew that forming a relationship would be impossible but decided to hang out anyway.
Our first date included sitting under blankets whilst eating a picnic of cured meats, dips, crackers and fresh berries and drinking flavoured kombucha with a fantastic view of the South Island of New Zealand from the (sign of the kiwi, Taylors Mistake).
It was a cloudy day but the sun would poke through creating beams of rainbows. Then as night feel the clouds themselves became a brilliant shade of blue. Lightning struck over the ocean a few times too creating moments of gorgeous intens.
With this view and food it was a sensory overload in the best of ways. It was an instant connection. The type that only comes around a few times in your life. We both let our guard completely down and shared everything. Passed hurts and relationships, values and lot of laughter.
Whilst both of us had spoken about not wanting to sleep together on the first night as midnight approached and the stars came out over our heads we found ourselves naked and Giggling like school children as we quietly made love with this beautiful view at our feat. It was passionate. We would stop during the act to just take in the moment and each other.
We kissed constantly and as if we wanted to connect ourselves even more. We were so in the moment that we were able to show our absolute true selves without worry of judgement, self-doubt had evaded both of us in this moment of bliss. We then cuddled for hours making love again and again whilst sharing our beliefs, values and everything we could in between.
We never wanted to leave. At one stage of the night I told her “this is heaven, Right now we are in heaven’ and with flushed cheeks and a gorgeous accent she replied ‘Yes, I believe we are’. Now again I ask you is this not love?
In this era of looking for yellow or red flags in perspective partners and finding someone who perfectly matches our idea of the perfect match the most important ingredient is often missed. I ask myself one thing when I decide whether to keep dating someone. Is it a “Fuck Yes” and If is not a fuck yes then it’s a no for me.
The only thing we should be asking ourselves after any date is how strong is the connection. However, for most this level of intensity can be quite scary. Because again we freak out when we try to equate these feelings with time. We start thinking about the future and compatibility and commitment when really the focus should be on the time you have together.
Your paths may only be crossing but if we learn to love without expectation or preconceived ideas about what love should be or how long it should last then we can love abundantly and be in love without the hurt and heartbreak at the end.
Yes, in these situations goodbyes can be hard. The girl who I Spoke of earlier sent me a text after our second date where we shared an “I Love you” moment, saying that she was only here a few more days and didn’t want to see me again.
I think the idea of falling in love then saying goodbye was simply too hard and too intense for her. The looming of a harrowing goodbye after such an intense love affair may have been to much. The lack of a future should not take away what is special right now.
Even in love we need to be in the moment! Create memories together whether for a day or a year embrace the connection with someone else’s soul without trying to hold onto them for longer than is given to you.
@written by Justin Bartved